I have been staring at this page for over an hour as I attempt to figure out what is happening lately. I barely even understand what it is, exactly, that I am feeling. No, I know what this is, but over a century has passed since I even considered a relationship of any sort, let alone allowed myself to engage in one. I hardly have the time for this and it feels extremely adolescent.
But I can't deny that he is a wonderful man. Jean-Luc Picard... In only a few days of speaking with each other, I have learned a great deal about him and he, in turn, has discovered a great deal about me. We have spoken in both of our native tongues and I would welcome the chance to speak French with him another time. I find myself looking forward to our times together, to the next day I might be able to see him. I barely even know him and he barely even knows me, yet if he were to--
No. That line of thinking will get me nowhere but heartbreak. I fear the day either he dies in this prison or he finds a way out before I do. I couldn't bear it and honestly, I hardly know if I want to. I have experienced far too much heartbreak for one old woman to bear. I do wonder how he would take the knowledge of my journey back in time. Would he accept it and understand what I did and why I could not change anything or would he challenge me and accuse me of not even trying to save those whom I could over the years? Could he live with the knowledge that I have allowed innocent people to die to save the rest of the world and to preserve the timeline? What would he think of me?
And why does that even matter? His opinion of me should hardly be a concern. I haven't truly cared for another's opinion of me and what I have done since... well, since James died. To a certain degree, I care that the various staff members of my Sanctuaries respect me and my authority and on a slightly more personal level, but I have so rarely cared that someone might come to dislike me. He reminds me so much of James, I can't imagine that he would. And yet I find myself worrying that someday he might decide he cannot handle me.
And then I would be alone again. I suppose I should be accustomed to that. Loneliness is an ever-present part of my life. But such a social woman may be too accustomed to having someone near her, no matter their relation. Living alone, even now, is... difficult, I suppose.
Yet, if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that being alone is the way it should be. At times, that makes it easier to bear. Then I can go on with my day, everything will be as it should be, and perhaps I may keep him to the side, where I will do neither of us any further damage.
Nearly a year has passed since my darling and I decided we would not mind having a child together and now, according to Martha and every other source I can find, I am nearing the end of my pregnancy. I am brimming with excitement. This is James' child and I know he will be a wonderful father to our child, but I cannot help feeling the slightest hint of fear. What will this child be like? Will I be able to be a good mother? Can I?
James has done so much to help me, but can I overcome everything to be a good enough mother for our child? I will never forget John. I know that. I can only hope that I will be able to place all of that to rest and enjoy this child and my relationship with James. John will not approve, but so be it. I care not for his tirades.
What I do care for are this child and my darling. I will love them both equally, though in different ways, and I hope James is up to the task of raising our child with me. We have had months to grow accustomed to the idea of being parents. Some days I believe we are ready and others see us both in a fit of worry over it. I know together we are a nearly impenetrable force, but I fear this will be our most difficult task yet.
I do look forward to what it will bring. A new century, a new beginning to our relationship, a new marriage, and soon a new child.
Now if only they would allow me to leave this bedrest. Or I shall be forced to summon James to alleviate my boredom.
letter to james watson ---> here's to the nights we felt alive
So much has happened in one short year. I feel as though we have changed greatly since we first stepped through our window, you and I. My only wish is that we could have gone through together. Even so, I am grateful for the time I have had with you.
I suppose you are wondering why I am writing this rather than finding you to speak this to you personally. The truth is I had something to ask you, though I am uncertain as to how to do so properly. You recall the last time I said as much, I asked you to take me to your bed and then, well, you asked me to marry you because I gave you the idea that I wanted it. We have yet to set a date for our ceremony, so I realize I may be rushing things for us both. Despite that, I cannot help wondering.
I met a lady just a few months ago. She was very kind and spoke of a son she had at home, in her world. I suppose she caused me to consider the idea of a child. I know I should not. We are not even properly married. Perhaps in the future it may be something for us to consider. Admittedly, I would not mind having a child with you. So, think on it, please, my darling.
The new year is here, a new century. Perhaps now is a good time for us to consider our future.
So much has happened lately that I find myself at a loss as to even beginning to explain it. I’m up well past when I should have tried to sleep and I can’t calm my mind enough for it. James has finally settled into a fitful slumber, though he tosses like his dreams are more nightmarish than he told me. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s truly the case. He’s pressed against my left side, as asleep as I believe he will be for many nights to come.
As for myself, I doubt sleep will come to me. All I can imagine, all I see in the dark of the night, is John and every person he’s ever killed, the ones he has deigned to allow me to see. What I would love nothing more is to see James in my mind’s eye, imagine his smile. If he could smile now, if there was even the slightest hope of his conscience allowing him some respite from guilt… Oh what I wouldn’t do to see that.
James, my darling, I wish you could release yourself, but if I ever brought it up with him, he would tell me to release myself from the hold John has over me. I’m not so certain I know how. Perhaps it is our curse to be in the grip of something we cannot control, while being creatures of habit… and desiring as much control over our own lives as we can have.
I believe I will stay awake for the night. It is, after all, merely one night of many for me.
I threw the bloody necklace, the one the dragons so kindly returned to me. It was meant to remain where I left it, not follow me through to another universe. Of course, I would expect Will to make some quip about it being needed to once again guide me to the light, but he isn't here. Someone or something saw fit to return him home. Just as Henry is returned to me, I lose Will. It isn't my lot in any life to have everyone who's important to me, is it? Thank God James is still here. I don't know what I would do without him these days.
Look at that; he's turned me soft. He always did have a knack for that.
Comparing this to when I lost Ashley is unfair of me. And yet, I can't stop thinking that if I had just a few more answers, I might be able to prevent something like this from happening again, either to me or to someone else. I've been here for a year and I'm no closer to finding an end to all of it than I was when I began. I'm failing them all and yet... what other choice do I have? If I succeed... will I lose her fully? Will that be all I get in my life?
Will I lose him a third time? Dear God, please no. I can't.
At least with Rydia being crystal, I know she'll return to me someday. I don't know exactly when, but at least I do know she will return. Esmeralda and Circe will be happy when she's awake again. Hail Mary is my responsibility now and I'm not certain I like it. I would much prefer Will being here to take care of her, but in his place, I'll do my best. She and I will, with luck, come to an agreement.
I can still hold out hope that he'll return someday and reclaim her. For other reasons, of course.
And that doesn't even touch on what Vivi told me. He'll Stop sometime, soon by the sound of it. In other words, he'll die soon. He's become so very special to me in such a short time. I can't lose any of them, not again.
I feel so alone. Alone, bitter, surrounded by people and yet without any of them. What am I to do?
Today I found something I never expected to see again. Not in my lifetime, as long as it is. It's the necklace I was given, the one the tribe's leader told me would lead me from the darkness and into the light. The last I saw of it was when I placed it in Ashley's casket, though it's more reminder of the tribe than of Ashley herself, I suppose.
I do miss her. Some days I miss her more than I would miss the air if I stopped breathing. I ache with her loss, a loss I cannot yet speak of. I want nothing more than to be able to tell James, yet I fear what he may do and say in response. I don't want the mention of Ashley to remind him of what he never had with me. I wish I could reassure him that perhaps someday soon I will be ready to take that step, but with the situation as it is -- and with me being the woman I am now -- it isn't a promise I can make. Not yet.
Rydia is as much of a child as we have for the moment, though I don't think he quite sees how he fits into the equation. I'm glad to have his presence to help me raise her. Ashley was mine alone and I paid the price for what happened to her. Perhaps with two of us, James can help balance out my instincts, that desire for control borne of several centuries of loss and humility.
I often thought of having children with him when we were seeing each other the first time, but I never quite thought I was ready for that. I didn't bring Ashley to term until long after he and I had said our final farewells to any romantic relationship, but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had. What would our child have been like? Would he have agreed to help me bring that embryo to term and raise it as our child? There are truly so many variables that even I cannot imagine them all.
He deserves better than what I have given him, both here and and in my past. His future at home is riddled with pain and uncertainty. It may be selfish of me, but I do hope he never returns home. I'd like to keep him here, where I can be certain of his happiness as much as possible. If that includes eventually breaking away from me, then that is as it should be. It will be his choice this time. Our relationship is fully in his hands.
I do love him, more than I can say, and I hope someday he will come to understand this. Perhaps he will even return that sentiment in the future, though I suppose I can't blame him if he never quite does. How could I after what I have done? James, darling, give me time. I want to tell you everything, but I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I feel as though holding back on my life's story is hiding a huge part of who I am, though I also wonder how he would take it if I finally told him everything. Would he leave me over it?
Listen to me, worrying over a man. Time was, I would have pressed on and not worried about it. Just goes to show how much he's affected me since he returned to being such a large presence in my life. I love him and I know Rydia thinks of him as family. If only he could see that.
Perhaps he is the one who needs to be led from the darkness and into the light. Perhaps we both are.
Some days I think if I weren't so wrapped up in the Sanctuary business, I would have enjoyed being a private school tutor. Homeschooling Ashley gave me joy and doing so with Rydia now brings me me the same enjoyment. It's a chance for us to reconnect, to study life together in a calm and controlled environment, where I can -- with a little luck -- impart some of my own morals and beliefs to her, mainly the ones about equality of life and how to enjoy science. Rydia may be about as confident and fond of science as Ashley was, but I will at least give her a chance to understand it. She seems enthusiastic so far. Teaching is quite rewarding when the pupils are willing to learn.
personal journal entry -- ds ---> just say there's nothing holding you back
James is hiding something from me. I am unaware of what exactly it is, but I know it cannot be anything good. He has asked for a list of patients between certain months and refuses to tell me why. He simply asked me to trust him, which I do. I cannot help feeling apprehensive about all of this. I only hope that perhaps someday he will trust me with whatever mission he has.
I recently became acquainted with one of Martha's friends, a man named Captain Jack Harkness. I believe I won't comment much on him, except to say that I am very glad James did not accompany me or the Captain might have left the encounter with a black eye.
personal journal entry -- dh ---> does your husband know
the way that the sunshine gleams from your wedding band
Well, it's been nearly a year since I first arrived and a good deal has happened. Rydia keeps growing with leaps and bounds. It's difficult to believe she'll be eight this year. I feel as though I've known her for her entire life and yet... it's as though I only adopted her yesterday. I'm still getting to know the beautiful child she is and every day is a day of discovery, a blessing I never expected to have. I can't help comparing raising her to raising Ashley at times, but I know they're two very different children and everything will be -- and is -- quite different. Nothing will be the same between them and I could never choose one or the other. I will cherish raising Rydia as much as I did Ashley.
As far as I'm concerned Rydia is my daughter, as much my child as Henry and Ashley were. And oh how I miss them both. I would love to have Henry here, but Ashley... I miss her more than anything at times, but I've come to realize that her death cannot be changed, not even here. I would hate to have her return to me only to be taken away to her death once more. I've lost her twice. Ashley and James both. I don't think I can lose them a third time.
I suppose this brings me to the topic of James. We're getting along better now after our vacation, though I believe is still fears me to some degree. Or less me and more that he fears what I know and have left to tell him. I know I should at some point, just so he understands where I'm coming from and the person I am now, but the last few times we've tried... Let's just say it didn't go so well. I do love him; I've come to realize that I love him a great deal and I've told him as much, but I don't truly know how he feels about me. He told me that my smile makes him happy and so I'm endeavoring to smile more for him. He also bought me a lovely necklace and ring. My first thought was that it was an engagement ring, but the longer I thought about it -- and the less willing he was to attach a specific meaning to it -- the more I came to realize that it's likely simply a gift. Nothing more. It's a lovely ring and I suppose I shall wear it always, as a reminder of him.
Rydia keeps asking when we're getting married and I wish I had an answer for her that wasn't, "I don't know, darling. It's far too complicated to answer that."
Everything else is going well, I suppose. Will just awoke from his stasis, though it wasn't the way I would have hoped for. I managed at least to remove the bullet and stabilize him the normal way instead of in the field, without proper medical supplies or anesthesia. Someday he'll thank me for that, right after he yells at me for hiding so much. I've got so many secrets he couldn't know at home, but here, I suppose, I could tell him. I have no plans that would be destroyed if I told him now. The Underground Sanctuary isn't here, after all.
Perhaps I will, once he's adjusted and healing properly. For now, it's time to check on him and feed the residents.
It was nearly sundown and Wesley ran through the field ahead of him, his mother a few paces behind. Beverly intentionally remained behind, wanting only to watch her son and treasure the time they had together. Only a few short years had passed since her husband's death and her heart ached every time she looked at Wesley and thought that he wouldn't grow up to know his father. There were times that his questions brought her great joy and times that remembering was too hard for her. She missed Jack with every fiber of her being, but she knew she was lucky to have Wesley. Their son was like a lifeline for her, a bridge between herself and the part of her that had died with her husband.
Wesley stopped, calling back to her with the brightest smile she had seen on his face. She couldn't help smiling in response, ignoring the tug on her heart as she picked up her pace and hurried forward.
"Wesley, look." Leaning over, Beverly plucked a dandelion from the field, holding it up so Wesley could see the white seedlings. Wesley grinned, running one finger over it, before Beverly took a deep breath and blew. Seeds flew everywhere, pulled by the currents of the wind and helpless to stop. That's how she felt sometimes, pulled by the wind of life and powerless to stop.
"Mom, c'mon!"
Wesley turned and ran. With a smile on her face, Beverly followed, watching her son. She had to keep going, if for no other reason than for her son.
So getting lost in the middle of snow wasn't what I had in mind. Mom and I were on our way back to the little cabin we'd rented up in the Rockies when this snow storm just hit. Neither of us were really expecting anything like that. I'd checked the weather, Biggie had checked before we left, hell I think even you had checked! There was nothing out there and then suddenly we're being pelted with snowflakes an ice. It was really pretty, but I didn't want to get caught out there on that road in the middle of a blizzard. I don't think Mom did, either.
So there we were, sitting on that road as the snow collected and then suddenly Mom stares through the windshield at something outside. Next thing I know, she's opened the car door and she's getting out. Was I letting her go out alone? Uh, no. I jumped out after her. For the record, running on snow in sneakers isn't very fun. I almost faceplanted a few times.
I finally make it over to where she is and she's just staring around with this big child-like grin on her face. I'm staring at her. Whatever she's looking at, I can't see it.
Not until she took me aside and pointed them out to me. Fairy-like Abnormals that bent light around the snowflakes to communicate. Once I saw it... You wouldn't have believed it, Henry. It was amazing. Bright yellow light reflecting from the white of the snow. I felt like I'd just seen the inside of Christmas. (Don't ask how that's possible. It just is.)
We're totally taking you next time, too. I told Mom we had to. The three of us. Man we need someone to be the butler's butler. Or babysitter for the... babysitter? Something like that. We need someone to look after the Sanctuary so all of us can go see the snowflake lights next time.
People often say discretion is the better part of valor. I agree. I would also add that restraint often is just as useful. You could argue that restraint and discretion often come hand-in-hand, but I don't think so. A person can be discreet without having restraint. It all depends on the situation. Some require restraint, more personal than others at times, and some require discretion.
It all depends on who you have to deal with and what the situation calls for.
personal journal entry -- tlo ---> yeah she's got her scars
I accepted this idea to try realigning the timeline, expecting to be the only Starfleet officer there, and somehow the first person I ran into was Kathryn. I'll call it a stroke of good luck and move on. If I try to make sense of it any other way, I doubt I'll be very successful. She seems to hail from a time long after my own, which can be both a good and bad thing. I can tell her everything I remember, but the Prime Directive prohibits her from saying anything past that. I'll likely never know what she knows.
That's all right. I'd like to know, but pressing for something like that would only destroy her sense of duty and ethics. I could never do that to her. Instead, I'll fall into the same position I always do. I'll follow her orders as my Captain and if I don't agree with them, I'll at least tell her what I think before I act on them. That's how we've always gotten along and I'd say it's served us well so far.
There are so many parties and weddings going on. I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I'm glad for people like Serah and Snow who really deserve to be happy and get married, but I never imagined it would ever happen to me. Maybe it will someday, but I'm really okay without it. Fang's my sister, not anyone I could see myself with like that. She's special to me, but she's family. Hope's family, too, my brother, and Sazh is our old man. Besides, he has a kid of his own and someone else. They're all family. I never really thought about it for me.
But for someone else. Yeah, it's good. I think anyone who falls in love has something special with that person, but romantic love isn't something everyone has to have to survive. We just need our families, friends, people we can trust. That's all I need.
personal journal entry -- dh ---> i'm a little used up }{ a little tattered at the seams
I used to think that if I'd just accepted my Focus when I became a l'Cie, the fal'Cie wouldn't have had reason to curse anyone else. Fang and I could have ended it all when we first had the chance. But I didn't. I ran from my Focus and because of that, six other people became l'Cie. One of them was just a child and I watched him become crystal when he completed his Focus.
I stopped running from my Focus on Gran Pulse, and later I realized that even if I had accepted my fate earlier, it would have been worse. Cocoon would have been destroyed and I never would have met anyone else. I wouldn't have a new family who's more important to me than anything.
All this talk of eggs and weddings made me think. I'm sorry I've hurt so many people for so long, but thinking about it... I don't think I would change it. I've helped these people, too, and we're family now. Your family is made of up your closest friends. It's a family you choose, even if circumstance throws you together. Sometimes those bonds are the strongest and you can't let go of them. You can't let regret taint your future. Embrace what you have and the people you can share it with, because in the end... it doesn't matter how badly you've hurt them in the past. What matters is what you do with the future.
It's strange how you can live your life without ever imagining anyone being willing to help you and then something happens and there are people there, people willing to fight for you. I never thought I'd have friends like this. If they count as friends. I don't know; I haven't asked. But Christina and Luke both helped me, so I guess they really do count.
...Masaaki keeps insisting they're friends. All right. I have friends. It's nice. I'll have to find a way to thank them.
Someone has asked if we are capable of giving them sea salt ice cream. When I expressed my, admittedly, low exposure to such a thing, he then asked if I knew what regular ice cream is.
I had to admit that I knew not of such things.
What is ice cream? Is it like iced cream? Or perhaps it is creamed ice? But why would one do such a thing? How might be the more appropriate question. I do not understand it. If the cream is iced over, is Druaga involved? I may ask him...
Perhaps in the future this young mortal might be kind enough to show me if he ever finds a copy of this ice cream.
I have only met this James Watson a handful of times but he is the most infuriatingly confusing gentleman I have ever known. And yet I find myself attracted to him. It is the strangest sensation and I am not entirely certain I like it.
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cosmicsommers2014-12-08 06:05 pm
helen magnus
personal journal entry ---> it's not what i planned at all
I have been staring at this page for over an hour as I attempt to figure out what is happening lately. I barely even understand what it is, exactly, that I am feeling. No, I know what this is, but over a century has passed since I even considered a relationship of any sort, let alone allowed myself to engage in one. I hardly have the time for this and it feels extremely adolescent.
But I can't deny that he is a wonderful man. Jean-Luc Picard... In only a few days of speaking with each other, I have learned a great deal about him and he, in turn, has discovered a great deal about me. We have spoken in both of our native tongues and I would welcome the chance to speak French with him another time. I find myself looking forward to our times together, to the next day I might be able to see him. I barely even know him and he barely even knows me, yet if he were to--
No. That line of thinking will get me nowhere but heartbreak. I fear the day either he dies in this prison or he finds a way out before I do. I couldn't bear it and honestly, I hardly know if I want to. I have experienced far too much heartbreak for one old woman to bear. I do wonder how he would take the knowledge of my journey back in time. Would he accept it and understand what I did and why I could not change anything or would he challenge me and accuse me of not even trying to save those whom I could over the years? Could he live with the knowledge that I have allowed innocent people to die to save the rest of the world and to preserve the timeline? What would he think of me?
And why does that even matter? His opinion of me should hardly be a concern. I haven't truly cared for another's opinion of me and what I have done since... well, since James died. To a certain degree, I care that the various staff members of my Sanctuaries respect me and my authority and on a slightly more personal level, but I have so rarely cared that someone might come to dislike me. He reminds me so much of James, I can't imagine that he would. And yet I find myself worrying that someday he might decide he cannot handle me.
And then I would be alone again. I suppose I should be accustomed to that. Loneliness is an ever-present part of my life. But such a social woman may be too accustomed to having someone near her, no matter their relation. Living alone, even now, is... difficult, I suppose.
Yet, if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that being alone is the way it should be. At times, that makes it easier to bear. Then I can go on with my day, everything will be as it should be, and perhaps I may keep him to the side, where I will do neither of us any further damage.
personal journal entry ---> you'll do anything
James has done so much to help me, but can I overcome everything to be a good enough mother for our child? I will never forget John. I know that. I can only hope that I will be able to place all of that to rest and enjoy this child and my relationship with James. John will not approve, but so be it. I care not for his tirades.
What I do care for are this child and my darling. I will love them both equally, though in different ways, and I hope James is up to the task of raising our child with me. We have had months to grow accustomed to the idea of being parents. Some days I believe we are ready and others see us both in a fit of worry over it. I know together we are a nearly impenetrable force, but I fear this will be our most difficult task yet.
I do look forward to what it will bring. A new century, a new beginning to our relationship, a new marriage, and soon a new child.
Now if only they would allow me to leave this bedrest. Or I shall be forced to summon James to alleviate my boredom.
letter to james watson ---> here's to the nights we felt alive
Your darling Helen
personal journal entry ---> theme of sorrow
As for myself, I doubt sleep will come to me. All I can imagine, all I see in the dark of the night, is John and every person he’s ever killed, the ones he has deigned to allow me to see. What I would love nothing more is to see James in my mind’s eye, imagine his smile. If he could smile now, if there was even the slightest hope of his conscience allowing him some respite from guilt… Oh what I wouldn’t do to see that.
James, my darling, I wish you could release yourself, but if I ever brought it up with him, he would tell me to release myself from the hold John has over me. I’m not so certain I know how. Perhaps it is our curse to be in the grip of something we cannot control, while being creatures of habit… and desiring as much control over our own lives as we can have.
I believe I will stay awake for the night. It is, after all, merely one night of many for me.
personal journal entry ---> it hurts to be here
Look at that; he's turned me soft. He always did have a knack for that.
Comparing this to when I lost Ashley is unfair of me. And yet, I can't stop thinking that if I had just a few more answers, I might be able to prevent something like this from happening again, either to me or to someone else. I've been here for a year and I'm no closer to finding an end to all of it than I was when I began. I'm failing them all and yet... what other choice do I have? If I succeed... will I lose her fully? Will that be all I get in my life?
Will I lose him a third time?
Dear God, please no. I can't.
At least with Rydia being crystal, I know she'll return to me someday. I don't know exactly when, but at least I do know she will return. Esmeralda and Circe will be happy when she's awake again. Hail Mary is my responsibility now and I'm not certain I like it. I would much prefer Will being here to take care of her, but in his place, I'll do my best. She and I will, with luck, come to an agreement.
I can still hold out hope that he'll return someday and reclaim her. For other reasons, of course.
And that doesn't even touch on what Vivi told me. He'll Stop sometime, soon by the sound of it. In other words, he'll die soon. He's become so very special to me in such a short time. I can't lose any of them, not again.
I feel so alone.
Alone, bitter, surrounded by people and yet without any of them. What am I to do?
I'm lost. And oh how I dislike being lost.
prompt -- dh ---> children
I do miss her. Some days I miss her more than I would miss the air if I stopped breathing. I ache with her loss, a loss I cannot yet speak of. I want nothing more than to be able to tell James, yet I fear what he may do and say in response. I don't want the mention of Ashley to remind him of what he never had with me. I wish I could reassure him that perhaps someday soon I will be ready to take that step, but with the situation as it is -- and with me being the woman I am now -- it isn't a promise I can make. Not yet.
Rydia is as much of a child as we have for the moment, though I don't think he quite sees how he fits into the equation. I'm glad to have his presence to help me raise her. Ashley was mine alone and I paid the price for what happened to her. Perhaps with two of us, James can help balance out my instincts, that desire for control borne of several centuries of loss and humility.
I often thought of having children with him when we were seeing each other the first time, but I never quite thought I was ready for that. I didn't bring Ashley to term until long after he and I had said our final farewells to any romantic relationship, but sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I had. What would our child have been like? Would he have agreed to help me bring that embryo to term and raise it as our child? There are truly so many variables that even I cannot imagine them all.
He deserves better than what I have given him, both here and and in my past. His future at home is riddled with pain and uncertainty. It may be selfish of me, but I do hope he never returns home. I'd like to keep him here, where I can be certain of his happiness as much as possible. If that includes eventually breaking away from me, then that is as it should be. It will be his choice this time. Our relationship is fully in his hands.
I do love him, more than I can say, and I hope someday he will come to understand this. Perhaps he will even return that sentiment in the future, though I suppose I can't blame him if he never quite does. How could I after what I have done? James, darling, give me time. I want to tell you everything, but I don't want to hurt you more than I already have. I feel as though holding back on my life's story is hiding a huge part of who I am, though I also wonder how he would take it if I finally told him everything. Would he leave me over it?
Listen to me, worrying over a man. Time was, I would have pressed on and not worried about it. Just goes to show how much he's affected me since he returned to being such a large presence in my life. I love him and I know Rydia thinks of him as family. If only he could see that.
Perhaps he is the one who needs to be led from the darkness and into the light. Perhaps we both are.
prompt -- dh---> tutor }{ you'll shoot the moon
personal journal entry -- ds ---> just say there's nothing holding you back
I recently became acquainted with one of Martha's friends, a man named Captain Jack Harkness. I believe I won't comment much on him, except to say that I am very glad James did not accompany me or the Captain might have left the encounter with a black eye.
personal journal entry -- dh ---> does your husband know
Well, it's been nearly a year since I first arrived and a good deal has happened. Rydia keeps growing with leaps and bounds. It's difficult to believe she'll be eight this year. I feel as though I've known her for her entire life and yet... it's as though I only adopted her yesterday. I'm still getting to know the beautiful child she is and every day is a day of discovery, a blessing I never expected to have. I can't help comparing raising her to raising Ashley at times, but I know they're two very different children and everything will be -- and is -- quite different. Nothing will be the same between them and I could never choose one or the other. I will cherish raising Rydia as much as I did Ashley.
As far as I'm concerned Rydia is my daughter, as much my child as Henry and Ashley were. And oh how I miss them both. I would love to have Henry here, but Ashley... I miss her more than anything at times, but I've come to realize that her death cannot be changed, not even here. I would hate to have her return to me only to be taken away to her death once more. I've lost her twice. Ashley and James both. I don't think I can lose them a third time.
I suppose this brings me to the topic of James. We're getting along better now after our vacation, though I believe is still fears me to some degree. Or less me and more that he fears what I know and have left to tell him. I know I should at some point, just so he understands where I'm coming from and the person I am now, but the last few times we've tried... Let's just say it didn't go so well. I do love him; I've come to realize that I love him a great deal and I've told him as much, but I don't truly know how he feels about me. He told me that my smile makes him happy and so I'm endeavoring to smile more for him. He also bought me a lovely necklace and ring. My first thought was that it was an engagement ring, but the longer I thought about it -- and the less willing he was to attach a specific meaning to it -- the more I came to realize that it's likely simply a gift. Nothing more. It's a lovely ring and I suppose I shall wear it always, as a reminder of him.
Rydia keeps asking when we're getting married and I wish I had an answer for her that wasn't, "I don't know, darling. It's far too complicated to answer that."
Everything else is going well, I suppose. Will just awoke from his stasis, though it wasn't the way I would have hoped for. I managed at least to remove the bullet and stabilize him the normal way instead of in the field, without proper medical supplies or anesthesia. Someday he'll thank me for that, right after he yells at me for hiding so much. I've got so many secrets he couldn't know at home, but here, I suppose, I could tell him. I have no plans that would be destroyed if I told him now. The Underground Sanctuary isn't here, after all.
Perhaps I will, once he's adjusted and healing properly. For now, it's time to check on him and feed the residents.
Helen
beverly crusher
prompt ---> picture
It was nearly sundown and Wesley ran through the field ahead of him, his mother a few paces behind. Beverly intentionally remained behind, wanting only to watch her son and treasure the time they had together. Only a few short years had passed since her husband's death and her heart ached every time she looked at Wesley and thought that he wouldn't grow up to know his father. There were times that his questions brought her great joy and times that remembering was too hard for her. She missed Jack with every fiber of her being, but she knew she was lucky to have Wesley. Their son was like a lifeline for her, a bridge between herself and the part of her that had died with her husband.
Wesley stopped, calling back to her with the brightest smile she had seen on his face. She couldn't help smiling in response, ignoring the tug on her heart as she picked up her pace and hurried forward.
"Wesley, look." Leaning over, Beverly plucked a dandelion from the field, holding it up so Wesley could see the white seedlings. Wesley grinned, running one finger over it, before Beverly took a deep breath and blew. Seeds flew everywhere, pulled by the currents of the wind and helpless to stop. That's how she felt sometimes, pulled by the wind of life and powerless to stop.
"Mom, c'mon!"
Wesley turned and ran. With a smile on her face, Beverly followed, watching her son. She had to keep going, if for no other reason than for her son.
ashley magnus
prompt ---> picture
So getting lost in the middle of snow wasn't what I had in mind. Mom and I were on our way back to the little cabin we'd rented up in the Rockies when this snow storm just hit. Neither of us were really expecting anything like that. I'd checked the weather, Biggie had checked before we left, hell I think even you had checked! There was nothing out there and then suddenly we're being pelted with snowflakes an ice. It was really pretty, but I didn't want to get caught out there on that road in the middle of a blizzard. I don't think Mom did, either.
So there we were, sitting on that road as the snow collected and then suddenly Mom stares through the windshield at something outside. Next thing I know, she's opened the car door and she's getting out. Was I letting her go out alone? Uh, no. I jumped out after her. For the record, running on snow in sneakers isn't very fun. I almost faceplanted a few times.
I finally make it over to where she is and she's just staring around with this big child-like grin on her face. I'm staring at her. Whatever she's looking at, I can't see it.
Not until she took me aside and pointed them out to me. Fairy-like Abnormals that bent light around the snowflakes to communicate. Once I saw it... You wouldn't have believed it, Henry. It was amazing. Bright yellow light reflecting from the white of the snow. I felt like I'd just seen the inside of Christmas. (Don't ask how that's possible. It just is.)
We're totally taking you next time, too. I told Mom we had to. The three of us. Man we need someone to be the butler's butler. Or babysitter for the... babysitter? Something like that. We need someone to look after the Sanctuary so all of us can go see the snowflake lights next time.
chakotay
prompt ---> restraint }{ or i never would have had the chance to build my world
It all depends on who you have to deal with and what the situation calls for.
personal journal entry -- tlo ---> yeah she's got her scars
I accepted this idea to try realigning the timeline, expecting to be the only Starfleet officer there, and somehow the first person I ran into was Kathryn. I'll call it a stroke of good luck and move on. If I try to make sense of it any other way, I doubt I'll be very successful. She seems to hail from a time long after my own, which can be both a good and bad thing. I can tell her everything I remember, but the Prime Directive prohibits her from saying anything past that. I'll likely never know what she knows.
That's all right. I'd like to know, but pressing for something like that would only destroy her sense of duty and ethics. I could never do that to her. Instead, I'll fall into the same position I always do. I'll follow her orders as my Captain and if I don't agree with them, I'll at least tell her what I think before I act on them. That's how we've always gotten along and I'd say it's served us well so far.
oerba dia vanille
prompt -- dh ---> love }{ but i do love you
But for someone else. Yeah, it's good. I think anyone who falls in love has something special with that person, but romantic love isn't something everyone has to have to survive. We just need our families, friends, people we can trust. That's all I need.
personal journal entry -- dh ---> i'm a little used up }{ a little tattered at the seams
I stopped running from my Focus on Gran Pulse, and later I realized that even if I had accepted my fate earlier, it would have been worse. Cocoon would have been destroyed and I never would have met anyone else. I wouldn't have a new family who's more important to me than anything.
All this talk of eggs and weddings made me think. I'm sorry I've hurt so many people for so long, but thinking about it... I don't think I would change it. I've helped these people, too, and we're family now. Your family is made of up your closest friends. It's a family you choose, even if circumstance throws you together. Sometimes those bonds are the strongest and you can't let go of them. You can't let regret taint your future. Embrace what you have and the people you can share it with, because in the end... it doesn't matter how badly you've hurt them in the past. What matters is what you do with the future.
donna noble
personal journal entry -- ds ---> might be a mistake }{ a mistake i'm making
...Masaaki keeps insisting they're friends. All right. I have friends. It's nice. I'll have to find a way to thank them.
others / npcs
personal journal entry -- dh -- tiamat ---> you believe of what you see
I had to admit that I knew not of such things.
What is ice cream? Is it like iced cream? Or perhaps it is creamed ice? But why would one do such a thing? How might be the more appropriate question. I do not understand it. If the cream is iced over, is Druaga involved? I may ask him...
Perhaps in the future this young mortal might be kind enough to show me if he ever finds a copy of this ice cream.
ranna seneschal
personal journal entry -- valar ---> keep a calendar }{ this way you will always know