I have been staring at this page for over an hour as I attempt to figure out what is happening lately. I barely even understand what it is, exactly, that I am feeling. No, I know what this is, but over a century has passed since I even considered a relationship of any sort, let alone allowed myself to engage in one. I hardly have the time for this and it feels extremely adolescent.
But I can't deny that he is a wonderful man. Jean-Luc Picard... In only a few days of speaking with each other, I have learned a great deal about him and he, in turn, has discovered a great deal about me. We have spoken in both of our native tongues and I would welcome the chance to speak French with him another time. I find myself looking forward to our times together, to the next day I might be able to see him. I barely even know him and he barely even knows me, yet if he were to--
No. That line of thinking will get me nowhere but heartbreak. I fear the day either he dies in this prison or he finds a way out before I do. I couldn't bear it and honestly, I hardly know if I want to. I have experienced far too much heartbreak for one old woman to bear. I do wonder how he would take the knowledge of my journey back in time. Would he accept it and understand what I did and why I could not change anything or would he challenge me and accuse me of not even trying to save those whom I could over the years? Could he live with the knowledge that I have allowed innocent people to die to save the rest of the world and to preserve the timeline? What would he think of me?
And why does that even matter? His opinion of me should hardly be a concern. I haven't truly cared for another's opinion of me and what I have done since... well, since James died. To a certain degree, I care that the various staff members of my Sanctuaries respect me and my authority and on a slightly more personal level, but I have so rarely cared that someone might come to dislike me. He reminds me so much of James, I can't imagine that he would. And yet I find myself worrying that someday he might decide he cannot handle me.
And then I would be alone again. I suppose I should be accustomed to that. Loneliness is an ever-present part of my life. But such a social woman may be too accustomed to having someone near her, no matter their relation. Living alone, even now, is... difficult, I suppose.
Yet, if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that being alone is the way it should be. At times, that makes it easier to bear. Then I can go on with my day, everything will be as it should be, and perhaps I may keep him to the side, where I will do neither of us any further damage.
personal journal entry ---> it's not what i planned at all
I have been staring at this page for over an hour as I attempt to figure out what is happening lately. I barely even understand what it is, exactly, that I am feeling. No, I know what this is, but over a century has passed since I even considered a relationship of any sort, let alone allowed myself to engage in one. I hardly have the time for this and it feels extremely adolescent.
But I can't deny that he is a wonderful man. Jean-Luc Picard... In only a few days of speaking with each other, I have learned a great deal about him and he, in turn, has discovered a great deal about me. We have spoken in both of our native tongues and I would welcome the chance to speak French with him another time. I find myself looking forward to our times together, to the next day I might be able to see him. I barely even know him and he barely even knows me, yet if he were to--
No. That line of thinking will get me nowhere but heartbreak. I fear the day either he dies in this prison or he finds a way out before I do. I couldn't bear it and honestly, I hardly know if I want to. I have experienced far too much heartbreak for one old woman to bear. I do wonder how he would take the knowledge of my journey back in time. Would he accept it and understand what I did and why I could not change anything or would he challenge me and accuse me of not even trying to save those whom I could over the years? Could he live with the knowledge that I have allowed innocent people to die to save the rest of the world and to preserve the timeline? What would he think of me?
And why does that even matter? His opinion of me should hardly be a concern. I haven't truly cared for another's opinion of me and what I have done since... well, since James died. To a certain degree, I care that the various staff members of my Sanctuaries respect me and my authority and on a slightly more personal level, but I have so rarely cared that someone might come to dislike me. He reminds me so much of James, I can't imagine that he would. And yet I find myself worrying that someday he might decide he cannot handle me.
And then I would be alone again. I suppose I should be accustomed to that. Loneliness is an ever-present part of my life. But such a social woman may be too accustomed to having someone near her, no matter their relation. Living alone, even now, is... difficult, I suppose.
Yet, if I close my eyes, sometimes I can imagine that being alone is the way it should be. At times, that makes it easier to bear. Then I can go on with my day, everything will be as it should be, and perhaps I may keep him to the side, where I will do neither of us any further damage.