So much has happened lately that I find myself at a loss as to even beginning to explain it. I’m up well past when I should have tried to sleep and I can’t calm my mind enough for it. James has finally settled into a fitful slumber, though he tosses like his dreams are more nightmarish than he told me. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s truly the case. He’s pressed against my left side, as asleep as I believe he will be for many nights to come.
As for myself, I doubt sleep will come to me. All I can imagine, all I see in the dark of the night, is John and every person he’s ever killed, the ones he has deigned to allow me to see. What I would love nothing more is to see James in my mind’s eye, imagine his smile. If he could smile now, if there was even the slightest hope of his conscience allowing him some respite from guilt… Oh what I wouldn’t do to see that.
James, my darling, I wish you could release yourself, but if I ever brought it up with him, he would tell me to release myself from the hold John has over me. I’m not so certain I know how. Perhaps it is our curse to be in the grip of something we cannot control, while being creatures of habit… and desiring as much control over our own lives as we can have.
I believe I will stay awake for the night. It is, after all, merely one night of many for me.
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cosmicsommers2014-12-08 06:05 pm
personal journal entry ---> theme of sorrow
As for myself, I doubt sleep will come to me. All I can imagine, all I see in the dark of the night, is John and every person he’s ever killed, the ones he has deigned to allow me to see. What I would love nothing more is to see James in my mind’s eye, imagine his smile. If he could smile now, if there was even the slightest hope of his conscience allowing him some respite from guilt… Oh what I wouldn’t do to see that.
James, my darling, I wish you could release yourself, but if I ever brought it up with him, he would tell me to release myself from the hold John has over me. I’m not so certain I know how. Perhaps it is our curse to be in the grip of something we cannot control, while being creatures of habit… and desiring as much control over our own lives as we can have.
I believe I will stay awake for the night. It is, after all, merely one night of many for me.