Nikola's tirade might have had more impact if Helen hadn't recently told Caleb that she's a chronic micromanager. That's how she is. A controlling and micromanaging personality. She likes to have as close to complete control over every aspect of her life as possible. She hates feeling out of control, even if she is quite good at getting herself and her projects out of harm's way when things go pear-shaped.
For now, she feels as though she has some small semblance of control over the situation, though that may smash against the floor soon enough.
There's something in the way he says, "I thought you were dead" that gives her momentary pause. Yes, he had thought that. They all had because she had wanted them to. But at the same time, she has to wonder if he had truly thought that. Or if he's simply angry with her for making it look that way. Or perhaps he's still angry that she didn't tell him at all.
...Or he could be angry with her for being so controlling and thinking she didn't consider the fallout. Which she had. She always does. Her biggest downfall is that she gets something into her head and then doesn't let it go. Come hell or high water, she will see her plans through to the end. No matter what happens along the way.
Her eyes narrow and she isn't sure which part needles her the most. The idea that she feels guilty or the idea that she hadn't considered the fallout.
"What would give you the idea that I hadn't considered the fallout?" she replies in clipped tones, knowing full well that this isn't making it better. If she had considered the fallout, then that means she had known this would be his reaction and had gone along with it anyway. But she does that as well. Usually, she has a mind for mitigating damage and making sure no one gets caught in the crossfire. Sometimes, there's no helping it and this had been one of those times. "What makes you think I had any other real choice? Yes, I could have told you I wasn't actually dead. I could have risked everything by letting any one of you know. But I didn't even tell my Old Friend. No one knew. And I don't regret that."
Actually, Nikola is entirely correct. There's guilt. Guilt about his involvement, yes. But mostly, there's a guilt nagging at her, saying that if she had told someone, her Old Friend at least, then perhaps he would still be alive to help her now. Perhaps then he could see what she had built. Now there's a guilt wondering if she could have let Nikola in on it as well, if he could have helped her mitigate more of the damage. It's too late now, too late to apologize for everything she has done, not just now but always. Too late for the guilt and regret that has eaten her alive since the day they took the serum in 1886, since she lost John to his instincts in 1888. Since Ashley and James and so many other people and events in her life that it all tumbles end over end into regret and guilt.
Naturally, all of that boils into anger because it's easier to be angry and have something to fight for or against than to let herself sit. And think.
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For now, she feels as though she has some small semblance of control over the situation, though that may smash against the floor soon enough.
There's something in the way he says, "I thought you were dead" that gives her momentary pause. Yes, he had thought that. They all had because she had wanted them to. But at the same time, she has to wonder if he had truly thought that. Or if he's simply angry with her for making it look that way. Or perhaps he's still angry that she didn't tell him at all.
...Or he could be angry with her for being so controlling and thinking she didn't consider the fallout. Which she had. She always does. Her biggest downfall is that she gets something into her head and then doesn't let it go. Come hell or high water, she will see her plans through to the end. No matter what happens along the way.
Her eyes narrow and she isn't sure which part needles her the most. The idea that she feels guilty or the idea that she hadn't considered the fallout.
"What would give you the idea that I hadn't considered the fallout?" she replies in clipped tones, knowing full well that this isn't making it better. If she had considered the fallout, then that means she had known this would be his reaction and had gone along with it anyway. But she does that as well. Usually, she has a mind for mitigating damage and making sure no one gets caught in the crossfire. Sometimes, there's no helping it and this had been one of those times. "What makes you think I had any other real choice? Yes, I could have told you I wasn't actually dead. I could have risked everything by letting any one of you know. But I didn't even tell my Old Friend. No one knew. And I don't regret that."
Actually, Nikola is entirely correct. There's guilt. Guilt about his involvement, yes. But mostly, there's a guilt nagging at her, saying that if she had told someone, her Old Friend at least, then perhaps he would still be alive to help her now. Perhaps then he could see what she had built. Now there's a guilt wondering if she could have let Nikola in on it as well, if he could have helped her mitigate more of the damage. It's too late now, too late to apologize for everything she has done, not just now but always. Too late for the guilt and regret that has eaten her alive since the day they took the serum in 1886, since she lost John to his instincts in 1888. Since Ashley and James and so many other people and events in her life that it all tumbles end over end into regret and guilt.
Naturally, all of that boils into anger because it's easier to be angry and have something to fight for or against than to let herself sit. And think.